Double tears and no mascara run.
Double tears and no mascara run.

‘NOT PART OF MY PLAN’: Nick hit with Bach bombshell

IN A confusing and contradictory semi final on The Bachelor that involves backflips and a frontrunner walking out, Nick brazenly admits he's not really into anyone.

Well, basically.

While we rarely buy the fairytale that's presented each year on this series, a happy ending for the Honey Badger - however it plays out - is a hard sell.

"Red herrings" have been placed to throw us off the scent. Everyone has a theory as to how this crap-fest ends. It's also highly possible producers just aren't very good at their jobs and Nick's being difficult and Ten has been left to stitch together some rubbish that doesn't even make sense.

Who can say. What's most annoying is we honestly don't care anymore and we hate that we're having to invest such quizzical energy into this when all we wanna do is talk about that new Keli Lane doco (seriously though, how did everyone not know she was pregnant a million times when all she wore was a swimsuit?).

We're tired. And we're this-close to switching over to a Big Bang Theory re-run.

Can we go now or …?
Can we go now or …?

Wednesday's night's semi final is odd. In the space of one hour, Nick says he's not really into anyone before telling us Brooke is "everything" he wants. But when Brooke echoes Nick's feelings, he freaks out.

We've all been here before. It's the thrill of the chase - an intoxicating game. You're only interested in someone for as long as the challenge lasts. But the moment the subject shows interest, you lose all feelings.

Nick hasn't really been into anyone this whole show. But if he had to choose someone to end up with, it was Brooke. She's the one we've all had our money on.

Regardless of how this whole charade plays out, we can safely say he's not into Britt and Sophie.

"I'm all in," Britt tells Nick in a lacklustre date. He stares blankly.

He's noticeably different on Brooke's date, where they spend an afternoon finger painting each other.

"Everything about her is perfect. I feel every moment we spend together … it was meant to be," he tells us as overlay footage plays of them lathering each other in toxic acrylic.

"When I think about the type of partner … Brooke is everything I want."

He has no issue sharing this with us. But telling Brooke is a little more difficult. He zigs and then he zags.

"Out of all the girls, I've got the most respect for you," he tells her, putting her ahead of Britt and Sophie.

But then he changes tone. He doesn't want to tell her she's perfect, someone he told cameras just seconds before. His face looks ill as he refuses to tell her she's everything he wants. After a bunch of fumbling, he basically says he's not really into anyone in this circus.

"I'm struggling feelings wise for everyone," he admits. "I think as we get down to this part, I'm challenged. It's like having three girlfriends it's a very strange concept. And I'm finding it hard to break past barriers. I'm struggling to get those feelings to move on … with everyone, anyone."

His reluctance doesn't make sense. It's almost as confusing as this really shiny satin shirt he's wearing.

But why?
But why?

Brooke's shattered. She's not asking Nick to say he loves her. A sign is all she wants - one that tells her she's not wasting her time.

"I want some reassurance that you … actually like me," she sobs.

Nick remains silent.

These double tears are aspirational.
These double tears are aspirational.

There's nothing more to say. The Red Balloon vouchers are dwindling. We've run out of the fancy Aldi cheese. Nick just wants this thing to end so he can go back to Manly.

The final three girls line up on the black and white tiles as they await the rose ceremony. Someone will go, and it's Nick who will decide. Or will he?

Before Nick even enters, Brooke pushes her hair back, looks up and walks toward the door.

"Did I miss something?," a confused Sophie asks. Oh Sophie. You've all missed so much. If any of you gals were paying attention, you'd know Nick's not here for love. He's here for his VW sponsorship deal and to maybe get a viral video of his most crazy expressions.

Brooke's heels crunch along the gravel driveway and she asks to be taken to Nick's lair.

She's taken to the lap pool in the back garden. Tears stream down her face.

"I'm feeling a little bit of hurt," she cries. Nick plays dumb and combats her neediness with some cold emotional unavailability.

She demands reassurance.

"I'm so sick of feeling the way I felt for so many times in past relationships and I don't want to continue to feel like that. I need a guy who knows what he wants."

She basically steals the lyrics to Sheryl Crow's '90s hit Strong Enough but we let it slide because she's emotional.

Even though he told us Brooke's the perfect girl for him, he refuses to tell her that.

"I just can't give her what she wants. I just need more time," he says.

But we don't have time, Nick. A finale looms. Hours from now, you'll be craned into a Balinese rice terrace and forced to choose a girl and declare your eternal love.

Nick doesn't budge. And Brooke walks.

Oh hai.
Oh hai.

"I'm not gonna stand in your way … As much as I want to," Nick tells her, even though he doesn't really care. "Because my respect for you and how much I care for you outweighs the selfishness. And I want you to be happy."

He begins to cry.

"This wasn't part of my plan," he says, as he hugs her at the car. But we're not fools. He never had a plan. Nick thought he could come in here, pocket his $250,000, get a couple of sponsorship deals and boost his profile.

Indeed, he could have all that. But it comes at a price - a choice. He must select a girl to love. And he doesn't want to.

A VW certainly isn't worth it.

For more observations on Balinese rice terraces and Sheryl Crow, follow me on Facebook and Twitter: @hellojamesweir