‘Lying to you’: Crushing Bach finale blow
The man who returned to win back the love he lost is left gutted on The Bachelorette finale when one of the sisters breaks protocol and finds him minutes before the ceremony to deliver the news in a hyped twist that almost makes up for the fact we've wasted 10 nights of our lives on a show that was about as satisfying as day-old supermarket sushi.
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Who are we dealing with? Far too many people. My livelihood depends on being able to remember these bozos and even that's not enough of an incentive.
Over on SAS Australia, that trainer from The Biggest Loser almost died of hypothermia this week and we're actually jealous. Sure, that experience must've been harrowing but it's nothing compared to suffering through this series of The Bachelorette with our two suitresses, That Lady and The Other Girl.
Because of travel restrictions and scarce budgets, this finale is hastily co-ordinated with limited resources and whatever small change is leftover in the Masked Singer sundries tin.
Half-empty bottles of wine from the Studio 10 production fridge are stolen and an all-staff email is sent begging for family connections to help out with final dates.
Angela Bishop donates two stand up paddle boards and Lisa Wilkinson's cousin's friend owns a skydiving business and lets them use the plane for a date on the condition producers BYO parachutes.
We're not flying off to Bali or South Africa. Instead, we're in … Nepean, in south west Sydney. It's a lovely place but it lacks the international glamour of Bachelor finales of yore.
Usually we'd skip over these final dates but they foreshadow the heartbreak to come. Elly's date with Joe goes down in the back of Osher's ute.
"I just picture being in Newcastle together and one day starting a family of our own and getting married and stuff," he tells her before kicking himself for letting the love of his life get away when they briefly dated months ago.
"I just know I made the mistake back then of not letting you in and I'm not gonna make that mistake again. I'm falling in love with you. We're drawn to each other for a reason. Tell me that's not fate."
His feelings and vulnerability are built up to tremendous heights with that powerful declaration of love. This will make it all the more spectacular when he's knocked down at the final commitment ceremony.
It's time for Elly's date with Frazer. Studio 10's Sarah Harris replies to the all-staff email and says she has an old bath tub from a reno she's done on an investment property and that producers can have it if they want it. They do.
The bath tub is collected and taken to Sandra Sully's picturesque estate where it's plonked down on the grass. Sandra technically told producers that under no circumstances is her property to be featured on this show but her protests are ignored and the date forges ahead when she leaves to present a news bulletin.
They mainly just talk about how Frazer's mum doesn't want him to move from Brisbane and how Elly doesn't wanna move from Newcastle but we don't really pay attention because we're just really nervous that Sandra's about to return at any moment.
Now, what's happening on The Other Girl's final dates? Becky and Pete get pushed out of Lisa Wilkinson's cousin's friend's plane and it would be romantic except he reminds her that he has commitment issues and just separated from his wife and may or may not still be married.
"Doooo … ya reckon you're actually ready?" she asks him.
He takes a moment and shrugs. "Mmmm yeah? Why not."
Then she goes and rolls around in a creek off the side of the highway with Adrian - that guy who wanted to use her home deposit to buy a jetski.
Well. The Other Girl is just spoiled for choice.
Let's be honest: we're only here to see the big twist. We know it's happening. It's our reward for suffering through this snoozefest for five weeks. So we breeze through The Other Girl dumping What's-His-Face and choosing Some Guy.
"I know, with you, life would be so much fun," she tells Adrian and we instantly know he's getting dumped. Fun guys are great until they blow your house deposit on a jetski.
She dumps him and he's super nice about it until he walks away and pulls an Abbie Chatfield by cutting sick.
"It's bullshit," he mutters to himself. "F**kin' bullshit."
He jumps in the sponsorship car and slams the door. "She didn't pick me. Get me out of here quick, please."
An angry rejectee! Finally, this episode is looking up.
Obviously Becky then picks Pete and they're happy. Whatever. We want the twist!
We go find Elly and she has worked herself up into a state. Then she suddenly makes a run for it, hijacks the sponsorship car and speeds over to the Airbnb where one of the boys is staying.
"I'm definitely struggling with the fact I have to hurt someone," tears stream down her cheeks as she toggles with the GPS touch screen. "And I can't bear the thought of having him standing there at the end and being hopeful when I'm so sure I wanna be with someone else. I need to go find him and tell him."
The sponsorship vehicle speeds up the dirt road of a rural property and Elly slams on the breaks before she even reaches the house. She rips off her heels and runs through a cloud of dust up to the door. It's unlocked. She sprints down various hallways trying to find Joe but every door she opens is a broom closet or a weird half-bathroom.
She eventually locates him. "Joey. I need to talk to you," she gasps for air.
He's on the veranda looking out at the water. He turns around and smiles, not suspecting a thing.
"I know what I want out of life is exactly what you want out of life," she tries to catch her breath. "And then I think about our last date together. Hearing you tell me you're falling in love with me … I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel."
We knew his big romantic monologue on the final date was a set-up that would come crashing down. She starts to sob and the more she tries to talk the more she cries.
"I just don't know if I felt the way I was supposed to feel hearing you say that, Joe. And I wanna feel it in the way that I'm so certain. I'd be lying to myself and lying to you if I didn't come tell you my heart's elsewhere. Joe, I'm so sorry."
Saying that destroys her more than it destroys him. He's completely shattered but he knows he needs to stay strong to make her feel better.
"You can't force it," he hugs her.
In a perfect world, he too would pull an Abbie Chatfield but we can't expect too much from The Bachelorette. When Elly leaves, Joe tells us his true feelings.
"I didn't see that coming. I'm gutted," he says.
Elly drives the sponsorship car back to the ceremony location. No music plays on the stereo - the only noise comes from Elly's sobbing and the GPS lady who keeps saying, "You are going the wrong way, go back". It's a sign but she doesn't take it.
Frazer has no idea about the turmoil we've all just been through and when he finds out Elly has chosen him as the one he's elated even though both of them refuse to move cities.
"Elly completes me. And wherever we are right now," he looks around at the picturesque property, "It's amazing."
Frazer, you're at Sandra Sully's personal estate. And you better leave quick because she has just finished her news bulletin and will be home any minute.
Originally published as 'Lying to you': Crushing Bach finale blow