MAX CRUS: Driving Miss Crazy

"So, think you're a good driver eh?" Try this quick quiz.

Thus went the advertising campaign of the '70s, testing our knowledge of road rules in TV ads, helping to reduce the rising road toll of the 60s, which was quite successful, although they also outlawed getting on the tar when on the turps and introduced compulsory seat belts at the same time so maybe that helped.

However, disappointingly, the ads never broached the unwritten Aussie rules of the road which most drivers seem to abide intuitively.

While Asian country's traffic functions somewhat organically, the German's fast, formal and precise, English drivers just form polite queues like they do in shops and the Americans, well they're all dead now, but Aussies, in swashbuckling, larrakin, ANZAC fashion, have a peculiar arrogance on the roads, apparently which must be maintained at all cost.

So, think you are a good 'Aussie' driver? Here's a quick quiz to see...

Question 1. Someone pulls in front of you from a side street with just enough time not to impede your progress, what should you do?

The correct answer is speed up, get right up their rear to make the other driver's action appear dangerous, toot your horn angrily and give them the finger.

Question 2. Someone passes in front of you from the left on a roundabout but doesn't impede your travel, what should you do?

Again the correct answer is accelerate to get as close to them as possible to accentuate what might have happened if you were travelling at the speed of light, toot your horn, and give them the finger, perhaps embellished with a flourish of mouthing some obscenity such as "bloody D-head, don't you know how to use roundabouts?"

Question 3. Someone is travelling faster than you on a motorway (hint : if they weren't in your rear vision mirror five minutes ago and they are now) and you are coming up behind another motorist, what is the correct action?

Good Aussie drivers know they should immediately pull into the right-hand lane and slow to a speed approximately 1/10th of a kmh faster than the car you are overtaking. This will ensure the car behind is frustrated as much as humanly possible. When they toot and flash their lights, the correct response is to give them the finger to enflame the situation.


If you answered all three questions correctly, perhaps it's time you got back on the turps and off the road, perhaps with one of these?

Taylor's St Andrews Clare Valley Riesling 2019, $40.  Clear mountain air deserves a clear mountain riesling, or a crisp valley riesling if you haven't got one of them. 9.3/10.

Taylors St Andrews Clare Valley Cabernet Sauvignon 2017, $70. St Andrew, the patron saint of cabernet, has blessed the Clare Valley and we are happy to kneel at his altar. 9.7/10.

Pocket Watch Central Ranges Pinot Gris 2019, $15. Pretty agreeable for a gris and not one to be fobbed off. 9.1/10.

Pocket Watch Central Ranges Chardonnay 2018, $15. I'm sure this is what chardonnay tasted like before the great oak invasion in the grape in the 80s. Renaissance wine. Clean and characterful without being offensive. 9.3/10.

Grampians Estate Great Western 'Barrawatta' Shiraz, 2017, $30. From the land of the Golden Fleece comes the golden shiraz. Solid western Vic red perfect for a cold night in the Grampians…or anywhere for that matter.  9.2/10.

Grampians Estate Field's Crossing Grenache 2019, $28. This is the wildest grenache we've had this year. Amazingly bright, fruity, luscious…lovely. 9.4/10.