OPINION: My wife's put her foot down over my shoes
THERE are a lot of things I do which make my wife roll her eyes.
My dancing and singing are probably top of the list.
Whoever said we should dance like no-one is watching or sing like no-one is listening mustn't have been married.
Apparently my mum was lying to me all those years ago when she told me I had the voice of an angel and danced like Fred Astaire.
Apparently, I dance like an angel (read fairy) and sing like good old Fred.
My jokes make my wife groan, my fixation on arranging my clothes cupboard make her roll her eyes and don't get her started on my housework fetish.
In many ways we are like chalk and cheese - which is probably why we are such a perfect match.
But it's my dress sense that causes the most friction in the Bathersby household. My wife often claims I'd leave the house looking like a tramp if it wasn't for her influence.
She calls it "advice" … I have other names for it.
There's a list of clothing she won't tolerate, either separately or as an ensemble.
Thongs are out.
Footy shorts - out.
Hawaiian shirts - out.
Which is a pity, because I love nothing more than throwing on a pair of footy shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of thongs before I hit the town.
Thongs aren't the only footwear that causes conflict at home. In fact, we clash over shoes more often than most other things.
I hate new shoes because they hurt so much and will happily wear an old, comfortable pair until they fall apart. Then I'll glue them back together.
And that's where I'm in trouble. My black work shoes which have served me well for several years are showing their age. They've been glued back together two or three times without my wife realising … until the other day when she caught me with a shoe in one hand and a tube of glue in the other.
"Why are you wearing that ballet tutu?" she demanded.
Then she noticed the shoe and tube of glue.
"Oh for goodness sake, buy yourself a new pair," she snapped.
"Actually, I have another pair in the cupboard," I replied smugly.
And that was that, until this week when she noticed I was still wearing my old favourites.
"You told me you had another pair," she said in that voice every husband recognises in wives around the world.
"So why …"
And that's where I cut her off mid-tantrum.
That was the moment I took a deep breath, dug into previously untapped reserves of courage and said firmly "Yes, I told you I had another pair - but I never said I'd wear them.
"Oh look, is that time? "I'm running so late for work - bye; love you; see you tonight."
Which is why it's now six o'clock at night and I'm still sitting at work finding things to keep me busy.
Would someone please call my wife and tell her I've been called up for military service or something?
Or at least bring me a pair of shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and some thongs so I can hit the town.
There's no way I'm going home tonight wearing these bloody shoes!