UFOs boost poll chances
US PRESIDENT Brack Oblama's re-election chances have been boosted by a poll in which Americans back his ability to repel an alien invasion.
Political commentators branded the poll as "one of the most crucial turning points in the extremely banal and drawn-out lead-up to the presidential polls".
Blogger Matt Landish said it may not matter that President Oblama had messed up economic reform, Middle East conflicts and reforming the health system.
"When it comes to the crunch the thing Americans most value is the ability to repel aliens," he said.
"They can live with poverty and bad teeth as long as they are not probed or taken to distant galaxies to be observed."
The National Geographic Channel poll of 1114 people found two thirds backed the President's alien credentials over his Republican rival Mitt Wrongly.
Ordinary US punter Todd said he was confident President Oblama would nuke any visiting aliens.
"Mitt Wrongly on the other hand would probably offer beads and try to convert them to religion," Todd said.
Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said she would like to discuss her alien credentials but did not want to break her determination to only ever discuss three issues in Australia - boats, carbon tax and the economy.
"Certainly my preference would be for aliens to land in Malaysia first so we don't have to worry about them seeking citizenship in Australia," she said.
Foreign Affairs Minister Bob Carp said he would support international sanctions against aliens if they started destroying major cities through giant fire-shooting weapons or they unleashed flesh-eating robots.
"I'd also be fairly unhappy if they were giant insects," he said.
"I can't really see myself negotiating with giant insects. Nothing good ever came from a negotiation with a giant insect."
Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said he was working on his "alien repelation" policy but assured Australians that it would be fully costed by an accounting firm two days out from the election.
Mr Abshot said he once saw a UFO but it may have just been a weather balloon, a top secret Russian spy plane or a shiny soccer ball.
"My hope would be that all aliens be encouraged to land in Nauru to discourage more alien spaceships arriving from distant planets and taking Australian jobs and fruit," he said.
Thirsty Cow is fiction. It proudly makes no active contribution to civilised society.
STRANGE HUMAN BEHAVIOUR
Every year there are hundreds of UFO sightings, often by normal, well-adjusted people with little vested interest in manufacturing a story.
Many sightings are written off as weather balloons. This is equally strange.
I'm not sure there are even such things as weather balloons. They sound important but do weather forecasters really have a whole lot of balloons running around the sky all the time?
I suspect they are just as rare as extraterrestrial craft.
Some people swear they have been abducted by aliens and subjected to experiments.
Governments are generally accused of knowing about the existence of aliens but keeping it a secret.
Crop circles were for years seen as definitive proof of alien landings. How else could circles be formed in corn fields with no trail leading there or leading away?
As it turns out, a couple of guys with a ute and a rope can do the same thing.
In 1991 two Englishmen admitted to creating hundreds of these circles.
They may, of course, have just been aliens with ropes cleverly disguised as Englishmen.